I see things so clearly and must own my truth, my gift which is you. This twin soul experience *is* a roller coaster, just like my soul told me it would be {before I had any idea the amazing ride I was in for in the future.} But I was told about you before I met you, back when I doubted every word that was "spoken" to me from my guidance. Back when I was told that my life would change, that I would be happy in the future. Back before I believed any "gifts" would come my way. Back before I could imagine my life would ever be truly happy, especially happy in love.
Romance was never easy for me. It must be because I was meant to meet you so none of the others stuck. I was supposed to learn from them but not stay forever, and I didn't. My gift was meant to come to me, and the universe ensured I was open for it, for you, when the time came for us to come back together. You are my gift and my entire life was orchestrated, our lives, for us to reunite. I say reunite because we were born in the same hospital at nearly the same time, entering into the world together, two souls holding hands awaiting our new baby bodies... knowing the events to come. I imagine we hugged before parting with a, "See you soon honey! Don't forget about me... I love you!"
You came back to me on my fortieth birthday, my gift. On the blue moon. We went swinging on the swings. You held my hand. Our kiss at the end of the night was a kiss of perfection, and you captured my heart in a moment. I asked for you a year earlier, specifically YOU. That ritual I wrote out where I asked for my "one and only soul mate." I took rocks from my garden and wrote with Sharpie marker {because I wanted it permanent, damn it!} all the characteristics I deserve in a man: loving, kind, empathetic, caring, compassionate, strong, intelligent, good with kids, earthy, open-minded, passionate... and I may have even written "spiritual." I asked God for someone who loves like I do: all in, complete, fully, totally, never-ending. A year later YOU came to me. YOU. A Geologist who studies rocks all day. A loving man whose first message to me was entitled "Empathy" and you commented that empathy is hard to find these days but that you were an empathetic person. And you were not lying. Empathetic, caring, kind, compassionate and VERY open to soul. Very.
My love you came to me when I needed you most, after my heart had already been blown open but needed more healing, final healing, and it hasn't been easy has it? You've had to work hard to help clean me out. To help heal me. I do understand that your mission in my life was to help heal me and love me. You loved me enough to sacrifice in order to help heal me, and you've paid close attention to your mission, doing whatever is necessary to clean me out, to rid me of my "illness."
I know this can't be easy for you. I do love you. "Love him now. Helping to heal you is a gift to him not." This means that giving up your love for me, being turned off and staying in silence in order to push the shit out of me, can't feel good for you. And I know this. It has been shown to me in different ways, even through you. My love... there are times where I've felt your pain, your frustration, your "unknowing" of what is happening between us.
- "I work all the time. Too much. I need you. I need you in my life."
- "I have issues."
- Telling me that you've wanted to come back and see me but three times you planned it and three time you backed out because... "apprehension" made you unable to see me. Then you promised and still you didn't make it. And I know why. It's hard to accept but I see how you mirror me. It's obvious that when I freak out inside questioning your love, doubting, disbelieving, not "owning" my gift but instead ignoring you, my gem... ignoring the REAL loving you and instead being afraid of the you that has had to help me heal through tough love {one of the only ways I have learned in the past} I then create a distance between us. A block. A wall of emotion that keeps us from each other, and my love I *swear* I can feel you wanting to come back to me. Wanting us to go back to being the loving boyfriend and girlfriend we once were.
- You've written and told me you feel badly, like you've hurt me. You told me "I wish we could go back and start over. I wish you could come visit me. That said I'm coming home- will you see me?"
- Your longing. That ache you show me. How could I have doubted it? Doubted you?
Dear, I am so sorry. I hate that we had to go where we did in order to shake me Awake. I understand it was necessary in a way because I kept backsliding and I had to see in order to make it happen, to really wake me up. I am thankful to be able to see clearly now. But it was... hard. It scared me but only for a moment. I immediately knew, saw, felt, that you were mirroring me. Your Higher Self {our Higher Self?} worked through you right away. You listen well. You amaze me, so strong in following your Higher Will, ignoring free will, in helping to heal me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for... walking away when I needed to hit rock bottom so I could finally believe, finally see, finally know. But I'm sad that it got where it did, and I miss you dear.
I do. I can't deny that I miss my sweet loving boyfriend. I know you are still here with me, your soul taking me by the hand step by step, working with my soul {our soul?} to ensure I find my Light, keep it bright, and know your Light as well. In 3D though I want you with me again my love. My hope is to learn all my lessons, finalize my healing, love you... YOU... through it all and in the end- please come back to me. I want to hug you and look into your eyes again. I want you to be my everything.
I do know who you are. I have not forgotten you, my Science Trip. You are the same man who constantly told me how wonderful I am. How much you love me. How I am the perfect girlfriend, and that you want me as your future. You told me many of these things because you were trying to get me to look in the mirror and see that I am perfect just as I am. Thank you for showing me.
I have a lot more I want to write, much I need to document about us because this has been more magical than anyone can possibly understand, and I don't want to forget. I could never forget YOU but I need to remember, record the "vines" that link it all together. But for now I must end this... but know when you wrote to me, "Just know I love you and want you to be my future." YES. I love you too, and I still hope for that future together. You are a doll. A lover. A gift. MY gift. I asked for you and God brought you to me on my birthday, just waiting to be unwrapped {and unwrap you I did.}
I miss your kisses. We kiss perfectly together. I adore you. I will love you forever.
Kisses,
Your J
